i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
