overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
