hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
