I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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