Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
