im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize