smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
