My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
love makes seman taste better
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
