ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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