Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
then he tried to convert me to islam
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
