I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize