So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
