Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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