I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
