3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I want to make a zoo with you.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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