I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
