He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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