I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
