A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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