Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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