Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
