I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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