I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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