we made out on top of his cat.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize