I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize