I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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