turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
