yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
