Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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