i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
