I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
