Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
