pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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