Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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