I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
