he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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