apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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