her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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