remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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