drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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