I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
