hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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