im about as happy as oj after his trial
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
