I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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