Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
