At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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