OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
