highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
