i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
