I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
