apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
