your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
