I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
