A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
