my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
